Army finally getting busy though it doesnt really concern me. Busy with training this week, i am just trying to get along with my pitiful life, helping wherever i can. I guess having a leg problem makes u kind of useless. Must make peace with this =_=
Just to complain more about superiors, sometimes they cant seem to get the fact that they arent the ones doing the drills. Saying irresponsible stuff like being disappointed with our training, saying such mistakes happen over and over again, saying some things are plain obvious signaling that we are retards? or just plain heck care attitude. Its just too freaking screwed up. Do they have no idea how much words can affect people. Whatever negative things they say just directly influenced the whole platoon morale, we spent some time talking among ourselves and thats the conclusion we come to. Superiors doesnt = smarter

Now to the next part,
I have no freaking idea why i am being so honest nowadays, maybe its an unknown illness flying around or maybe i have been body swtiched. I dont know but still this is going to be a problem soon or rather it has been a problem. I am revealing far too much stuff hidden deep within my heart to the point i am having breakdown.

I cant blame other people for whatever they think, I have only myself to blame for my own faults, the road i choose is my responsiblity. The pain i received is my problem on my own. I do really thank caryn for saying that i dont need to change no matter how wierd i am... Its been awhile since i had that feeling, or rather its been so long finally hearing those words. 18 years is a long time...

I realised i keep creating the problem i am in. Just like always, i always have the option to just keep silent and hide my feelings, then nothing would have happen. Somehow, i cant do it. My sins can never be removed, well i said i would tried forgiving myself but seems like its not possible. Some words are not meant to be repeated, me saying i am not forgiven is already too many a times. I am so tired of saying it again and again, i am too tired to change anymore. So be it, my sins cant be forgiven, i will accept that as myself. A me whose sins cannot be forgiven is created by myself, i will take on that responsbility.

Happiness are only meant for some people, if my pathetic life could even help others acheive that, i guess i am satisfied. More than anything, i just want to hear "i forgive you"...

EDIT: its really nice to be able to talk to someone.

I have no idea how to start this post so i am going straight to what i want to bring across. Long long time ago, someone once reached out her hand to the mist in the darkness, attempting to bring him into the light. The mist thought that his place was all along in the darkness hence he shrugged off the hand. Despite that, that somemone tried a few more times before she finally gave up. The mist was already doubting his own resolve to be alone, being scolded and seen how much someone is trying... His heart started to waver.

One day, he saw this message, that someone believes that being happy is easier than being emo, he tried to believe it in, tried that way of life. Still, he realise its not possible for him. Time after time passes, he finally met her again and somehow he wanted to be in the light with her this time but never had the courage to do so, all he did was to look at her from afar...

Time passes again, this someone is perhaps walking on the border of the darkness, the mist wanted to help. Help her was all he thought but still its so hard. Hence he tried to talk to her, but nothing can be read from her. The door to the maze of thoughts remained close to him. The mist thought he needed to know more, wanted to know more hence he started the hunt. With the thought that she shouldnt be in the darkness, the mist continue, hoping that one day he could be of help to her...

Back in camp finally. I cant really describe how i felt but it was really fun. Shouting at my bunkmates, seeing the old guy getting insulted over and over again, see the "pervert" got played.. Its really fun, i think my staying at home have caused me to enter depression mode.

Having said that, i look back on the past events and sometimes i wonder how isit that humans can have so much different views, perhaps spur of the moment is the most natural answer but then again why is it natural? It always go back to the same question, is destiny set? Some say no while some say yes, each views has its reasons but perhaps we can never find out. Destiny in the end is nothing explainable by science neither are emotions.

Ever wonder why humans are created with emotions. For them to pick their words wisely? For them to know of the consequence of their actions? Is it really a good thing that we have emotions? Some say it will hinder you, perhaps so or should i say i believe so... I once wished that i can be rid of emotions and i still do, i cant count the number of times i fail to do something because i am afraid or when i keep being in pain when i see someone i am concerned about suffer. But still, i believe its best to let out the emotions, since we are stuck with it, might as well find a way to use it. One day, you might find emotions as a great driving force.

What answers, what plans... I practically froze when i saw her again after so long... Its fine seeing her from afar, but at short distance... I cant do it afterall, i really wanted to be back on talking terms though i cant seem to do it. The moment i thought i would spoil her mood by talking to her, its already game over. I guess talking is not for me, seems like i went back to the past me that cant talk to people at all. I guess this is the best way to convey my feelings, its not i dont want to talk to you, is more like i dont dare to... Cant seem to find the right topic though everything is just in front of me... Cant reach out through the darkness to grab the light

Final week of my status already. Not that i got to do much during this 1 month break, first week was spent totally on recovering. The folloing weeks aint much either. i think i already said alot about my weeks in the previous posts and i still think that whatever i say stands true till now.

After so long, i think i might have an answer to an action i have been making. Why the heck would i keep avoiding someone, i keep asking myself that question. Until today, i had no clues to it, perhaps its just instinct? Just for the fun of it? I guess not. I was just scared of meeting. What happen when i see her again? What kind of personality should i go with? How much does she remember? How much did she care? Did she hate me? Is it ok to show concern? All these random questions keep popping into my head... Freaky, yes i know but apprently thats the truth. I have no reason for those random questioning even though i pride myself on reason. Basically, i have no idea why but still if i run forever, time will eventually "eat" me up.

Then i ask myself, is that what i wanted? Maybe i can find an answer this coming saturday, then again maybe the mystery might just deepen. Sometimes I really hope i can just hit the restart button.

Some reflections is in order this week i guess. You can call me a freak, wierdo or whatever but i believe that everything has a learning point. Even drama, or anime that is purely made up has it. As long it is a story, there is something to learn, be it tricks, morals or just an idea. Its always there which lead to me believing every action has an underlying meaning behind it. Well, thats not the point in my post, i just want to know how far-fetched this idea is.

Apprently, in the anime world, its so perfect that friends will accept you for whatever flaws you have, they will believe you, help you. But how true is that in the real world, am i to believe that i can trust them totally? Burden them with your sins, your pain? How far are they able to accept.. Perhaps just another one of my wierd thinking but i believe there are some values in this somewhere.

Long ago, i thought i had enough of walking my path alone but apprently things happen and it make you decide otherwise. The fun of having people around alongside with the pain of them being around. The degree is almost equivalent... This me that is typing now is defintely going to be different from the me when something happens, that much is confirmed. Humans are easily swayed by emotions, would a world be better if emotions are not calculated? Illusions or truth, its so easy to make either side. The truth can be an illusion while illusion can be the truth. This is what make it fun..

Dunno if you will ever see this message, in any case i just need to get this off my heart. Its not i dont appreciate your efforts, i really do. I am really happy to know that people care but the thing is i cant accept them. I cant accept kindness from anyone thats what i thought. If you ask me why anyone is being nice, i will just give you an answer that is totally unrelated to being nice. Being nice is no longer something that registered within me, i wonder how long has it been but that is that.

I just have to accept the way i am now, perhaps its bad in the views of others but in the end, its still me. Perhaps i should change but i dont know how. Still, i just want you to know that i am really thankful for everything though i believe the chapter is closing soon. Stories will always end without fail, be it in novels or in life. Nothing is forever.

Been thinking again lately since being at home give u quite alot of free time.
With the recent events, i realise that perhaps i really been escaping.
I guess at this point most people would expect that i would say to stop escaping and face reality. But thats not my point here, I think i will just keep escaping, no point in facing something that will fade away in the end.

Just have to wait for time to erase them, both happy and sad memories. I know i cant be better than most guys in the world, its a fact and i know it. Accepting it already but i guess its still stings alot. Just keep on running, one day it will be over. I had no dreams in this world anyway, there is nothing to look forward to. One's life is just study and work, living until you are dead. Fun experiences are just a bonus, sad experiences are just minus. Nothing is going to change, thats what i believe in. Its always better to be alone since whatever happens, its not going to change much. I just need my own world of anime and manga, humans are just a mere obstruction.

These feelings of longing, i wish to throw them away.

The curtain of darkness falls,
the moon arise,
the paths illuminated by the alluring moon
to meet or not to meet.

The light overlaps at the crossroads,
Memories awoke
Swirling in the night light
as if to say "i am still here"

The light cuts through the night
Brings the hope of company
Fireflies dance
The crickets sang the song of love
The night dance away
As if never ending

Poof goes the light
Everthing went black
Went back to darkness
Crossroads still there
Memories aint gone
But never to be seen
In the thick of darkness

Laughter rang throughout the night
"No need of such weakness"
"No need of memories"
"No need of light"
"No need of love"
Words resounding in the silent night

Only to hear the sound of water
Dripping in the far distance
Deep in the darkness