Dun want the world to change
Dun want the people around me to change
I just want everything to remain as it is
But still...
The world keeps going
Change is a part of life
Most people will change
Be it their thoughts
Actions
Behaviour
Preferences
Ideals

The day i fear the future was the day my life ended
Cant progress when you fear the unknown
No matter how hard i try, the fear exists
This insecure feeling exists

Living in an alternate reality
Is just escape
Running is never forever

Life is a joke. It will jest until you die. Keep feeling really down lately, dunno why but it just feels like there is a burden in my heart. I been trying really hard to believe in people, trying so hard to feel again. But the more i try, the wierder my dreams become. Its the 2nd time i woke up with the same scenerio, i keep seeing both of them being burn to death. I cant rememeber what happen exactly but i think i dreamt that the sun was directly above(like directly), it just burnt them up. After that, i just woke up feeling damm retarded.

There is nothing i can do to help. I keep thinking about it, its so pointless to do it when none of them would trust me with anything. Well, i do deserve it considering how much i have been lieing my whole life. If there is a set amount of happiness one is entitled to, i think i used up mine long time ago.

Crying wont do anything
Bitching about it wont help
Talking about it wont help when you are creating another problem
Yup, in conclusion, nothing will help. Perhaps, this tiny piece of light called god might be able to. For now, i dun tink it will shine on me.

Already start to fade out of existance, a shadow cant live without light. There is this light still hanging around but the more i hang around her, the more i fall in love with her. Then everything will be back to zero. Need to keep my emotions in check, i have been doing it for 2 years already, just abit more before everything ends

Its like only thursday and i am back at home which i will continue to be for the next week since i am kind of left out of the platoon activity. Though most people would be so happy to be in my position but to me i prefer to go with the group. Even if the training is tough, the event is tough but hey at least you are not alone.

Those that know me would find my previous sentence wierd. Not alone? Since when do i care about being in a crowd? Thats totally true, i dun really care about being alone, i never did and never will like crowds either. The only reason i want to join them is because i dont deserve such nice life. I am not even doing anything amazingly nice to be rewarded so why then. I really wanted to know, for that i am asking god. What is his plan really.

Get on to the more depressing side of life. Well not exactly depressing but oh well. Anyway, had some gathering dinner for my JC CCA today. I shall not keep harping on time issues since i long ago gave up on it. I can only say it was damm awkward. Most of the seniors, heck all of the seniors i dun even know them. It was so hard to be in there. Perhaps i should had moved when they moved but the thing that crossed my mind was it really of any meaning to be seating with them? I had no idea what answer i had but i guess my answer was no.

I only went because she wanted this outing and it was in my means to go. Over the course of the dinner, one thought actually hit me. Was there any point in me being there? I mean, she do know all the seniors, one less human there wouldnt make any difference. I dunno the answer yet but i guess i will know it soon.

On a last note, i will never drink or even step into a bar(hopefully). Its my own principle. If the person i like is a heavy drinker or even a smoker, i will just rip this heart out myself.

This is the one day i thought that maybe god was telling me something. Just 1 day ago, i was reading this comment on facebook saying that people wont follow timing so just put an early timing so as to meet the actual timing. I was totally irritated by it, some people already states that they cant meet it at this time so i suggest a change of time. Of course, she just kept on with her ideals. My thoughts at that time was that no one would be so screwed up as to make people wait without giving a heads up.

Then this happen, supposed to meeet for dinner at 6pm, i woke up late at 5.50. So i rush over there, just blindly swtiching off my laptop and get a change of clothes. I went there, message them saying i will be a little late. In the end i reached at 6.10turns out they havent arrive, then they say will be reaching at 6.30. Ok was what i thought, i went shopping for computer stuff until 6.40pm when they havent even arrive. I waited and waited. Until 7pm, i cant take it anymore.

Ok god, so thats your lesson to me isnt it. I am going to interpret it as humans cannot be trusted. Though it just timing alone, wheres the basic courtesy of telling people you are gonna be late, dun give a random timing that you are sure you cant make it.

21st april, gonna have another dinner. Assuming status quo, this is gonna be my last dinner with that group of people. I want to head back to that small dark world. Friends is a must but i dun blindly trust anyone. In life, you just need that bunch of good friends. As of now, i only got possibly 4, might even be dropping to 3.

Caryn lau, i highly doubt u will be reading this but i am gonna crap for the sake of doing it. There is always a limit to everything, dun always push my limit in the wrong places.

In the midst of all those crying, self-beating. I forgot how i lived in the past. True, things have changed since then, my view of the world and people changed drastically ever since but i think living this life for others is still not a bad idea. There might be people that are not worth saving but for those worth saving, i will do it for them.

Maybe this kind of thinking might seem kind of pathetic but hey why not. Its not a bad thing to help others isnt it. Maybe this way i will stop beating myself up. Though this might be me just trying to seek forgivness but i think this way will be fine for now... Gonna try smiling from deep within the heart

In the midst of thoughts
Comes memories
Painful yet important
Actions dictated by memories
What we know
Will affect what we will do

Fate is already written
Destiny is carved in stone long long time ago
But it is not to say there aint choices
Choices there will be
Whether its right or wrong
No one can judge

There is no white
There is no black
Gray spots are everywhere
In the sinking darkness
There is light
Its precisely its dark
That light is treasured

Embrace the twin sides
One day,
both will fight
for the right
to dominate
Which to support
Who to choose
What will you do

In truth lies lies, hidden within lies is truth
Is the true meaning
In your grasp?
When will the person
capable of seeing my "truth"
comes

For now, let me slumber
Let this personality of mine play alittle longer
Before, its time
To disappear
Back to where it belong

A very very long week, there was training everyday, night training even though not for all. Its still tiring. Throughout this week, i decided on somethings and learnt quite alot of diff stuff. Things i learn range from being related to my current unit's job to lessons in life. I am gonna start with army stuff first i guess.

Things that we must always take note, we need to be very careful with small details, not the smallest details should ever be overlooked. To complete a mission fast, we need to work to our best even in that split second that we are feeling lazy, we need to do whatever that must be done.

Lessons in life, one simple sentence. Being nice never pays. Its a really long story so i am not gonna write it here, i just about had it with being nice to people. People helping you are not cause they are there to help. True, some are there cause they have no choice, some are there cause they have a motive to do it but there is still that small little group of people that wants to help cause they really do wish to help shoulder some of the burden. Its something they truly feel from the bottom of their heart.

Now i am seriously having problems sleeping, i keep deciding that i have to be cold hearted. Just let whoever dying die. Its their problem not mine. Thats the type of mindset i want to adopt but somehow the other me just wont allow me. I know for sure, the moment i change fully to being cold, i would lose one part of myself. Maybe people will just say i have no faith in whatever i want to do, thats why i giving up to the darker side. Think again, thats what i would say. If i have no faith or the resolve in whatever i want to do, i wont be able to make it this far. 19years is a freaking long time, i been thinking about this question since the day i can solve complex maths question.

Humans, do they truly deserved to be saved?